Thanks to the help of
fenikkusuken,
iniondia,
christinam33, and Spelunker I've fixed the commas and done some fine tuning on the rest.
I've posted the revised version to
Fanfiction.Net,
Mediaminer, and
Paper Demon.
I would have put it in my DA account too but once again it's defeated me. It requires a preview image but doesn't give any sort of option for the standard fiction preview image of just the first words and I don't want to mess around creating something like that.