Lots to munch on! I have re-written these 2 1/2 pages so many times in the last year that I've lost track of what was there to begin with and I'm too familiar with the world to tell if I'm giving needed info or info dumping. If it gives you a clue with how long I've fought with it, I wrote the first rough draft before I posted the chapter where Ranuel and Heneter meet over at WAS IF last year.
You are right, it IS Kirk leaves the bridge and as a Trekie I'm so used to it that it doesn't even occur that it's not the usual thing. My original idea was to have her be in charge of the planning but to have one of her people be in charge when they get there. I lost track of that somewhere.
This isn't ancient Egypt, it's modern day for this world. Still, they are following the old ways and I need to make some things more formal.
Nakhti is being a very bad boy and insisting that he needs to come along and you aren't helping! I think he should stay behind at the Temple and run things in Heneter's absence. If so he wouldn't show up again for a long time.
I've got a scene between Heneter and Nakhti that would take place after this that goes into their history but I'm worried that it's too angsty too soon for anybody to care about their little drama.
BTW Heneter would nowadays be properly transcribed as He-Netjer but I wanted to stick with what Mary used and Heneter is easier to type and read than He-Netjer. What do you think?
Also, got any ideas for swears to replace "bloody hell" and "Damn"?
And I've lost track of what was in your first post so I'll continue in a reply to it.
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Re: Critique Further
Date: 2007-03-08 01:30 am (UTC)You are right, it IS Kirk leaves the bridge and as a Trekie I'm so used to it that it doesn't even occur that it's not the usual thing. My original idea was to have her be in charge of the planning but to have one of her people be in charge when they get there. I lost track of that somewhere.
This isn't ancient Egypt, it's modern day for this world. Still, they are following the old ways and I need to make some things more formal.
Nakhti is being a very bad boy and insisting that he needs to come along and you aren't helping! I think he should stay behind at the Temple and run things in Heneter's absence. If so he wouldn't show up again for a long time.
I've got a scene between Heneter and Nakhti that would take place after this that goes into their history but I'm worried that it's too angsty too soon for anybody to care about their little drama.
BTW Heneter would nowadays be properly transcribed as He-Netjer but I wanted to stick with what Mary used and Heneter is easier to type and read than He-Netjer. What do you think?
Also, got any ideas for swears to replace "bloody hell" and "Damn"?
And I've lost track of what was in your first post so I'll continue in a reply to it.