The first paragraph suffers from antecedant confusion. The "her" in "her...sword" would refer back to her opponent, not Heneter.
You might have Heneter admire Nakhti's body or some piece of it. That would help set the stage for the later "cheekiness." Also, it would sneak in a description. What does this group of Egyptians look like? Swarthy? More Nubian than Arabic?
< at first light in the morning> This is reduntant. 'at first light tomorrow' would be better.
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The first paragraph suffers from antecedant confusion. The "her" in "her...sword" would refer back to her opponent, not Heneter.
You might have Heneter admire Nakhti's body or some piece of it. That would help set the stage for the later "cheekiness." Also, it would sneak in a description. What does this group of Egyptians look like? Swarthy? More Nubian than Arabic?
< at first light in the morning> This is reduntant. 'at first light tomorrow' would be better.
<We’re pretty ripe.”> This is just too 21st Century. Perhaps something more colorful, like "you smell like camel dung."
<She gave him another glare but before she could reply a page came trotting toward them. “Lady Heneter, the High Priest requests that you come to his chamber.”> There shouldn't be a paragraph division between the page trotting up and his speech. Also, he should probably salute her in some fashion. I can't recall at the moment what the proper motion would be; you can always fall back on 'he gave her a salute proper to her station'. Things might work differently in this imaginary universe, but a messenger, even a messenger directly from Pharoah, would not fail to honor the Commander of the temple guards in ancient Egypt. This will also reinforce her position with the reader.
<“We have just come from the practice field do I have time to bathe and change?”> Run-on sentence. Punctuation needed - semi-colon or period and capitalization of "Do."
<“I believe so Lady. I found you sooner than I expected to so if you hurry it should be alright.”> Punctuation quibble - comma before "Lady" and one between 'to' and 'so'. Also, "alright " is another 20thCentury word. Something more like, 'so if you hurry, you will not keep the High Priest waiting.'
Once you begin with the interview with the spy master, I lose track of which empire is which. Is the Empire of the West different from the Romans? Same as? And exactly whose Empire is unstable? Also, when you speak of sickness striking the southern lands, is that the Roman's southern lands or the Western Empire's southern lands?
As to Heneter's character: She needs a bit more fleshing out, although a complete physical description isn't 100% necessary at this moment. You could mention her hair is black when she swipes at her sweaty self. The rest of the description could trickle out through the next few chapters. You could look at her through the eyes of the spy master, have him find her arrogant/confident, something like that.
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Date: 2007-03-08 12:22 am (UTC)You might have Heneter admire Nakhti's body or some piece of it. That would help set the stage for the later "cheekiness." Also, it would sneak in a description. What does this group of Egyptians look like? Swarthy? More Nubian than Arabic?
< at first light in the morning> This is reduntant. 'at first light tomorrow' would be better.
You might have Heneter admire Nakhti's body or some piece of it. That would help set the stage for the later "cheekiness." Also, it would sneak in a description. What does this group of Egyptians look like? Swarthy? More Nubian than Arabic?
< at first light in the morning> This is reduntant. 'at first light tomorrow' would be better.
<We’re pretty ripe.”> This is just too 21st Century. Perhaps something more colorful, like "you smell like camel dung."
<She gave him another glare but before she could reply a page came trotting toward them.
“Lady Heneter, the High Priest requests that you come to his chamber.”> There shouldn't be a paragraph division between the page trotting up and his speech. Also, he should probably salute her in some fashion. I can't recall at the moment what the proper motion would be; you can always fall back on 'he gave her a salute proper to her station'. Things might work differently in this imaginary universe, but a messenger, even a messenger directly from Pharoah, would not fail to honor the Commander of the temple guards in ancient Egypt. This will also reinforce her position with the reader.
<“We have just come from the practice field do I have time to bathe and change?”> Run-on sentence. Punctuation needed - semi-colon or period and capitalization of "Do."
<“I believe so Lady. I found you sooner than I expected to so if you hurry it should be alright.”> Punctuation quibble - comma before "Lady" and one between 'to' and 'so'. Also, "alright " is another 20thCentury word. Something more like, 'so if you hurry, you will not keep the High Priest waiting.'
Once you begin with the interview with the spy master, I lose track of which empire is which. Is the Empire of the West different from the Romans? Same as? And exactly whose Empire is unstable? Also, when you speak of sickness striking the southern lands, is that the Roman's southern lands or the Western Empire's southern lands?
As to Heneter's character: She needs a bit more fleshing out, although a complete physical description isn't 100% necessary at this moment. You could mention her hair is black when she swipes at her sweaty self. The rest of the description could trickle out through the next few chapters. You could look at her through the eyes of the spy master, have him find her arrogant/confident, something like that.
-Spelunker