Hm. Well, some general comments based on a quick read.
1-I found it a little tough in the "battle" paragraphs at the beginnign to figure out who was doing what to whom.
2-I couldn't really visualize any of the characters very well and scanning back didn't see any physical descriptions which would have helped me fix their names/personalities in my head.
3-Heneter's character. About all I got out of this was that she was "in charge". I didn't get much about her attitudes or disposition on anything.
4-I found it hard to believe her subordinate would come on to her like that if she were really a commander. She should either be threatening to have his balls and backing him down or she should be encouraging him with a hint of femdom. A real military commander woulnd't put up with that cheekiness the way she did (ignoring it/brushing it off).
All in all, I'd suggest taking more time in the descriptions and adding things to give the characters personality and opinions so you start to get a good feel for their proclivities and prejudices. This lays out the facts of the story ok, but doesnt' really establish the actors very clearly. For what it's worth, you have a lot of dialog that doesn't say who said it and how they said it (what was the timbre of their voice? what was the nonverbal communicating along with the words themselves? did they look away when they spoke? frown? smile?). All these things can really add dimension to a character without taking away from the progression of the story at all.
I also noted some missing "end parens" and you should spell out "fourteen".
Hope that wasn't too critical and you find it useful!
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Date: 2007-03-05 04:51 am (UTC)1-I found it a little tough in the "battle" paragraphs at the beginnign to figure out who was doing what to whom.
2-I couldn't really visualize any of the characters very well and scanning back didn't see any physical descriptions which would have helped me fix their names/personalities in my head.
3-Heneter's character. About all I got out of this was that she was "in charge". I didn't get much about her attitudes or disposition on anything.
4-I found it hard to believe her subordinate would come on to her like that if she were really a commander. She should either be threatening to have his balls and backing him down or she should be encouraging him with a hint of femdom. A real military commander woulnd't put up with that cheekiness the way she did (ignoring it/brushing it off).
All in all, I'd suggest taking more time in the descriptions and adding things to give the characters personality and opinions so you start to get a good feel for their proclivities and prejudices. This lays out the facts of the story ok, but doesnt' really establish the actors very clearly. For what it's worth, you have a lot of dialog that doesn't say who said it and how they said it (what was the timbre of their voice? what was the nonverbal communicating along with the words themselves? did they look away when they spoke? frown? smile?). All these things can really add dimension to a character without taking away from the progression of the story at all.
I also noted some missing "end parens" and you should spell out "fourteen".
Hope that wasn't too critical and you find it useful!