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Sword & Song Fragment
I'm specifically looking for input on how well Heneter is set up as a character, how interested you are in what happens next, if you think she should eventually get involved with Nakhti far, far in the future, and how much, if any, effort should I put into details of the preparations for leaving and the voyage.
General comments are also welcome.
Chapter One
Heneter easily blocked the attack and countered swiftly. Her opponent went down with a gasp as the flat of her dull edged practice sword connected with his midsection. She stepped back and sheathed the weapon. These are the best? She thought as she looked around.
Six men were all that remained of an initial group of 20 applicants looking for a place with the elite guard of the temple of Horus. Her subordinates had weeded out the other 14 the previous day leaving only these for her and her second to evaluate. To her right Nakhti was still toying with his partner as the other four watched, recovering from their own bouts.
Nakhti was leading the young man to swing wildly and expend far more energy than he could afford. He allowed each swing to barely miss him giving the applicant the illusion that next time it would connect. The applicant had power behind those swings and his form was good. It was only Nakhti's years of experience in real battles that allowed him to play with him.
That one has promise if he learns control, she thought. She pushed her sweat soaked hair out of her face and glanced at the sun to gage the time. It was only mid-morning and the heat was already building. She had seen enough to make her decision and there was no reason to waste time standing around. She had too many other things to do today.
Heneter clapped her hands for attention and Nakhti promptly stepped in and knocked his opponent on his rump. “That’s all for today.” She announced. “We will post the names of those who will continue this afternoon. Those on the list will report back here at first light in the morning. You are dismissed.”
She immediately headed toward the baths. When Nakhti caught up with her she gave him an irritated look. “You were showing off.”
“Yeah, how did I look?” He gave her a cocky grin.
She growled and gave him a glare. She wouldn’t answer that so she changed the subject. “I think we have only two real candidates here.”
He nodded. “My last opponent and the third one up, the one from Bubastis.”
“Tiw is his name.”
“Right, they both need work but the reflexes and the basic skills are there. They have the right attitude for it too.” He let her pass through the door first. Inside thick stone walls the air was still relatively cool and he felt a chill as the sweat started to dry. “Why don’t we finish this discussion in the bath? We’re pretty ripe.”
She calculated the odds that he was up to something and decided that although they were pretty good she really wanted to get clean before lunch. “Fine but keep your mind on business.”
He laughed. “I always do.”
She gave him another glare but before she could reply a page came trotting toward them.
“Lady Heneter, the High Priest requests that you come to his chamber.”
“We have just come from the practice field do I have time to bathe and change?”
“I believe so Lady. I found you sooner than I expected to so if you hurry it should be alright.”
“Thank you, I will be there shortly.” The page nodded and hurried away.
Heneter saw Nakhti's irritated look and decided that the interruption was probably for the best. “We'll have to discuss the recruits later, go ahead and post the notice if I'm not through in time.
“Yes, Captain,” he sighed.
OVOVOVOVOVOVOV
Waiting for her in the High Priest's chamber was an old acquaintance, Huni the Pharaoh's Minister of Secrets. This was probably not going to be good. “You wished to see me Lord Menkau?” she asked the High Priest.
He glanced at Huni. “Actually, Lord Huni is the one who requested your presence. I need to attend to another matter.” Menkau got up and walked out, leaving her alone with the old spy master.
Huni had been in the Pharaoh's service in one capacity or another since childhood and Heneter knew that anything the old man said would carry the weight of the Pharaoh's authority.
“It is good to see you again my dear. I have a job for you.”
“Straight to the point as always. What is it this time?” She sat down in one of the hard chairs Menkau kept for visitors.
“Nothing too difficult. You will be handling security for Ambassador Meren-Ptah when he goes to Gadir to represent the Pharaoh at the coronation of the Emperor of the West.”
“Coronation? What happened to Emperor Acherbas? I thought he was still strong and in good health.
“He was, until someone cut his throat.” Huni's grin was chilling. “Thanks to the fast actions and firm leadership of Prince Hasdrubal a potential civil war came to nothing more than a palace revolt. My sources say that the one behind all this was a cousin who has fled north and may even be trying to hide in the Great Waste.
“He's a fool then. Nothing can survive there for long without being twisted by the dark magics there.”
“Indeed. You have been to the outskirts of that region before and know what to look for. I want you to find out what the situation really is. An unstable Empire affects all of us for good or ill. While we might benefit by expanding our Eastern border so might the Romans. In addition to this conflict there have been rumors of sickness striking their southern lands. We cannot refuse trade ships for no reason but if there is a plague brewing it could come here at any time. Good intelligence is essential for the Living Horus to make plans to defend our lands.
Heneter nodded in agreement. “I can travel with the ambassador and send you reports of what I observe then slip away once we reach Gadir and do some reconnaissance to the north. I'd like a few of my own men along.”
“Of course. The ambassador needs an honor guard and servants to smooth his way. You'll have two days to make your plans.”
“That's short notice but I'll be ready.” Heneter was already making lists in her head and forming preliminary plans.
Huni stood to indicate the interview was over. “I'll let you get started then. Expect a messenger with the codes you are to use and your final instructions before you board.
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1-I found it a little tough in the "battle" paragraphs at the beginnign to figure out who was doing what to whom.
2-I couldn't really visualize any of the characters very well and scanning back didn't see any physical descriptions which would have helped me fix their names/personalities in my head.
3-Heneter's character. About all I got out of this was that she was "in charge". I didn't get much about her attitudes or disposition on anything.
4-I found it hard to believe her subordinate would come on to her like that if she were really a commander. She should either be threatening to have his balls and backing him down or she should be encouraging him with a hint of femdom. A real military commander woulnd't put up with that cheekiness the way she did (ignoring it/brushing it off).
All in all, I'd suggest taking more time in the descriptions and adding things to give the characters personality and opinions so you start to get a good feel for their proclivities and prejudices. This lays out the facts of the story ok, but doesnt' really establish the actors very clearly. For what it's worth, you have a lot of dialog that doesn't say who said it and how they said it (what was the timbre of their voice? what was the nonverbal communicating along with the words themselves? did they look away when they spoke? frown? smile?). All these things can really add dimension to a character without taking away from the progression of the story at all.
I also noted some missing "end parens" and you should spell out "fourteen".
Hope that wasn't too critical and you find it useful!
no subject
1. I'll have to go back over that and see what I can make clearer.
2. I cut out a good bit of physical description when it didn't seem relevant to the scene. So, in trying to avoid the "She tossed her raven hair out of her chocolate brown eyes and wiped the sweat from her glistening tan skin" sort of thing I've gone too far in the other direction.
3. Well, from this I was hoping a reader would get the fact that she was in charge and comfortable with that, competent, respected by higher ups, permits a bit of cheekiness from Nakhti so she isn't a total stick up the butt type (foreshadows her relationship with Ranuel a little)even if at times she may seem that way later, and has past experience with the area she's going into.
4. Heneter and Nakhti have a long history beyond serving together but you don't know that and just having him be familiar with her in private is apparently not working so I need to put something in to indicate that. Without an info dump.
Missing bits are always good to point out to me.
no subject